A Wrinkle in Life

December 2004
Lawrence Tan

Some years ago a friend of mine confided to me that the first time he had to lay some of the people that worked for him off had caused him not being able to eat nor sleep an entire week. He realized that each one of them had responsibilities of some kind and the reason was not performance at all, it was just a reduction in force. During difficult economic times, I guess all companies had to go through that unpleasant process. For those that had to do the dirty work, the corporate normally grease them with some kind of monetary compensation to encourage them to perform the job of the henchmen. To be fair, not all of them had any choice, but some volunteered just as a means to climb the corporate ladder; for the upper management love to have those who are willing and capable to do the dirty work for them, so that they can maintain their benign smiles. For those who were around long enough and showed having the guts to do it, the first time would still be hard. I am sure for some, it got easier every time and eventually it becomes ‘part of the job’, their second nature.

For a corporation, it all starts when the economy slows down or due to the competitions that opt for outsourcing jobs. One might not have a choice but to follow suit in order to stay competitive. It is a matter of survival. The worst kinds are those corporations that took advantage of the trend, hiding behind it and used it as a pretext to lay-off people. In reality, the periodical lay-offs are in fact part of their unstated policy. While they are carrying out the lay-off, they also at the same time quietly hiring new people. Like a sick person who needs the periodical dialysis. Then the next thing they do is to throw parties right after or throw a bone or two to those who are not affected hopefully to make them ignore about the ugly scenes or the prospect of their own future lots. Those not affected must think they were untouchable and those who were affected must have deserved it. I just think they are dead wrong. What they did not realize is all employees were humiliated every time, those who had to leave as well as those who got to stay…this time. Dignity is upheld and respected there, that is until the next round. This does not have to be the reality of capitalism.

I woke up this morning at the 6:00AM alarm from my cell phone to get Yenni ready and to take her to school. I jumped in the shower, got myself ready and changed. Then I woke her up around 6:30AM. She also had her alarm set but I just wanted to make sure she would not be late to school. Girls, you know, they took a little more time. Boys, they might even skip brushing their teeth or combing their hair. While waiting for my daughter, I usually got on the net to check my mail and the morning news. News was depressing like it had always been; always about the Iraq war and people dying. I latched my cell phone on to my belt, making sure that I had my reading glasses. Oh! Yeah, an absolute necessity for quite some years now, But this morning, I did not get to do one thing, and that is to hang the badge around my neck. I no longer needed it. I was just laid off last Tuesday, December 7th, 2004, the commemoration day for the Pearl Harbor attack in 1941.

Since then, I feel something missing in my daily routine that I have been doing for the last 30 years or so. This morning, I felt a bit dizzy and a lump in the back of my throat. I was not sure if that was anger, tears, pride or disappointment; it might just be a combination of all of those, I swallowed it. It had all been a sandcastle after all. Some friends offer consolations, others encouragements. Suddenly I felt so small, I felt losing confidence, my dignity and my ego were being slowly chipped away. If I could not get a job soon, worse things were going to happen.

Last weekend, I told Yenni that we might have to take a break on all those dance and piano lessons. I just wanted to give her a heads-up; she is a big girl now that she is in middle school. To my surprise, she was all upset. She loves to dance and I love to see her doing the things she loves. Later that evening, she hugged me and apologized for being insensitive. I told her that everything was going to be ok, that I liked to see her continue dancing and I believed that nothing was going to happen to me.

Normally, I do not make breakfast for Yenni. I drive her to the Seven Eleven on the way to school to get her a quick breakfast. She loves those Taquitos, Jalapenos and Cream Cheese. We usually buy three of them, cheaper that way, two for her and one for me. They are warm and good for the cool morning. I like a sip of the warm coffee after that too. After I drop her off at school, I head back out to Gallows Rd. I used to turn left heading towards the Toll road in Tysons and towards my office. On Wednesday, I turned right, not knowing exactly where I wanted to go. It was not even 8:00AM, nothing was open for business yet, I did not want to head back to the house so early in the morning. I guessed that from that day on, I had to learn to get accustomed to the new routine.

Of course, I had to dig out that old resume and dust it off. Well, first off, I did not know where I kept it. The last time I saw a copy of it was when we were moving, just about a year ago. I also had it on some computers in the house, but over time, either their components were swapped out, the hard disks reformatted due to crashes or replaced. I could no longer find it anywhere. A day later, I found some old floppies in my dresser, two were marked, among other things, ‘resume’. I was ecstatic. I fed them into one PC, its floppy drive did not work. I went to another PC to find out that there is no floppy drive in it. I finally took them to Felix’s PC and fed the first floppy in. A message popped up on the screen asking me to reformat the floppy. Apparently, the floppy was bad. I fed in the second floppy, a window then popped up displaying a number of files among which I recognized the file named ‘DADRES’. I double-clicked on it, the Word windows opened and voila, I found it.

During the last few days, a scene kept rerunning in my head. The rumor confirmed that Tuesday, December 7th was going to be the day of the lay-off. I woke up particularly a bit early that day. That day, Yenni went to school with her Mom. I warmed up a sandwich and made myself a cup of the Lipton tea, with some milk and sugar. I rarely ate breakfast in the house. I took my time over the breakfast, at each bite, I reflected about the morning. I told myself that today a lot of people would go home without a job. I did not know my own fate. I got into the office before 9:00 o’clock. To my surprise, I did not see the carton boxes lined up in the hallway like the last few times. I did not know what to make of it. Perhaps, the rumor was wrong. After settled in and checked my logon and mail messages. Nothing was unusual. So far, apparently everybody was ok. But when I got back to my area, I heard that Christos got affected. Ok, now it really started. I felt a sudden surge of goose bumps all over. I started to dive into my work trying not to think about it. Suddenly, there was someone swung around the corner of my aisle and I felt he was approaching my cubicle. I turned around and there he was, my director. He wanted to talk to me. I knew my time had come. I followed him to his office. He motioned me to close the door behind me. I knew this was no promotion. He unfolded a piece of paper and started reading it, as if he had been trained to do so. I listened to every word of the verdict but I did not hear anything. I just knew that I was on the list of the ‘Club 1000’, this time. As I listened to my Director reading the customary instructions, I unconsciously experienced a flashback of the period of time I was with the company, all the way from the first day of Orientation in the HQ. I had never been so happy and filled of hope. I felt like finally I had the opportunity to work with a world-class company. I was one of the luckiest persons! Whatever he said, I obediently acknowledged then wanted to say something but it did not amount to anything meaningful to my Director. I looked at him in the eyes. He seemed to be calm and I could read that he was ready to deal with my reactions. He looked like he was well prepared for this kind of assignments. That was part of his job. I did not know what was going through his head, but I knew it was not pleasant for him. No, no one would take any pleasure in doing this.

After I got back to my cubicle with the instruction sheet as what to do next, I went and said goodbye to my team and the people that I worked with. I let some of my friends in the office know via AIM. I told Rich and Mike the locations of the piece of code I was working on so that they could take over. While I was not even sure what to do, Charles showed up. His eyes all red and could not really say anything. We shook hand and I thanked him for his concern and told him that I would be ok. Then Pat and Kathy Tucker came, Sabrina just happened to be there in the vicinity. They all tried to console me. TanLe showed up and asked if I needed any help. He was Felix’s classmate in UVA and one my Table Tennis and lunch partners. Then Joe Chen and Jenny passed by. Joe also was on the list. We just shook hand and said goodbye. Jenny started to sob; I sat her down in my guest chair and asked her not to cry. I was trying to look for some tissue for her, but I forgot where I had placed it. Later on Mike, sitting across from me, offered some help. When I came back from the separation meeting, I realized that my manager, Franz, was also laid-off. I did not get a chance to say goodbye to him.

TanLe brought over two boxes and I started to pack. Mike helped me to carry those boxes out to my car. I went upstairs and said goodbye to some friends and then ready to head down to the Check-Out office. I went out to the garage and suddenly I realized that I had not said goodbye to Brigitte, but as I turned around, I realized I no longer had the badge to get in the building.

At times, when I left work late, I looked down the deserted hallway on the third floor, from my old office, I felt so happy. Well, I believe that everything that has a beginning also has an end, including our lives, good and bad times. I just wish that my kids understand and accept it.